Lonely in my heart
by mutant
Summary: Xander.. left after Buffy's death.. is he the same person? B/X
1. prologue

Title: Lonely in my heart (prologue/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar   
  
E-mail: mutant190583@yahoo.com  
  
Category: B/X  
  
Rating: PG14  
  
Summary: Xander.. After 10 years on his own.. He's changed   
  
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story is mine.   
  
Feedback: Most totally dude:)  
  
------  
  
Twisting my hand harder the engine roars in reply to my actions. The highway I am travelling, all but empty apart from a few trucks that appear here and there.  
  
The time on my watch reads 3:45. The darkness seemingly goes on forever into the distance that lies ahead, apart from the little circles of illumination created by a few lampposts that lie at the side of the road.  
  
Feeling the wind at my back and in my hair, I zip up my jacket and as I do I can feel the shotgun attached within as it presses into my skin the jacket tightening around it.  
  
"It's been so long." I mutter to myself, keeping my eyes on the road ahead, I pass a road sign that reads "Los Angeles".  
  
10 years to be precise. It all happened after she died...Buffy. I couldn't cope. I left them. I left everyone. Anya didn't understand. No one did. I traveled across the country for so long always in a pit of despair and I helped people to give my life meaning. One day the PTB caught up with me. They needed me. Now I am a champion. Me, Xander Harris who'd have thought? I knew she returned about 5 months after I left, back from the dead once again. The almighty slayer, but I had a life and I couldn't return  
  
The cigarette in my mouth fell to the floor as I let it drop soon disappearing into the blackness that lies behind me.  
  
They have tried to find me. The Scooby gang, they have come close quite a few times, but they don't know me now, No one does. You have to get up early on a morning to out-smart me these days. I have no idea why I fight. I suppose it gives me a sense of calm.. a sense of meaning. It allows me to get back at the things that have destroyed my life thus far  
  
(Los Angeles, 10 Miles) A road sign reads up ahead and I increase my speed with my grip once more, revving my engine harder. Letting the roar of the engine between my legs calm me somewhat.  
I have no friends now. Just sources. Just links to the underworld. It works better this way. I miss them though on rare occasions, at the holidays, or when I watch a movie, it's the little things. She is foremost on my mind. I can't shake her when she appears nor do I try to. Buffy. Her face makes me happy on rainy days. But that's past and I eventually let go focusing on the here and now. Anya hasn't been forgot. She did hold a special place in my heart and still does to this date. But she is nothing compared to Buffy. Compared to how I feel about her. Anya left Sunnydale about 3 months after I did. How do I know this? I have sources and keep checks on them.   
  
Suddenly sirens can be heard behind me and I turn my head. The police. Flashing lights can be seen as they close in to my rear. I twist the handle harder once more letting out an almighty burst of speed and watch as they struggle to keep up.  
  
I'm off back to Sunnydale now though. But not for personal reasons. I don't believe I have any anymore. It's business. It's something big and the slayer isn't enough. What's new? I've helped her quite a few times over the years. She does not know about the part I have played and neither does Angel as well. It's by choice not because I'm ordered to. But then again even if I was I never was good at taking orders   
  
The cop car still behind me, still struggling to keep up to the speed I have set. I decide to put them out of their misery and press a red button on the handle of the bike.  
  
My hair blows wildly out of place as I accelerate forward at a tremendous speed hearing the sirens disappear into the background, I can feel the wind blow against the skin of my face, against the 4 day old bristles of hair that lay there.  
  
Maybe it's time to pay Angel a visit. Cordy and the other's. Time has passed quickly maybe he's gained the redemption he has sought so hard to achieve. I haven't seen him in 4 years and he hasn't seen me in 10  
  
The suburb streets of LA come quickly and give way to that of the inner city and finally the metropolis that is the city center of Los Angeles.  
  
Seeing my new destination up ahead as I speed down a road, I come to a halt placing my bike on its stand.  
  
Looking up at the tall building that is the Hotel where the Angel crew are situated, I remove my shades placing them in my jeans back pocket then step off my bike. Pulling my satchel from the back of my bike I turn and walk towards the door.  



	2. 1

Title: Lonely in my heart (1/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar   
  
E-mail: mutant190583@yahoo.com  
  
Category: B/X  
  
Rating: PG14  
  
Summary: Xander.. After 10 years on his own.. He's  
changed   
  
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they  
belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story is mine.   
  
  
Feedback: Most totally dude:)  
  
-------  
The full moon shines down from above providing a little amount of light, a few stars shine around it but a cloud overcastting the city blocks out the rest.  
  
The building before me stands 4 floors high, looking the same as it did in my last memory. The paint worn away in places showing the true colour of the bricks that lie beneath.  
  
My ears catch a sound in the midnight air and I look towards a window that is ajar on the second floor, the wind blows gently across the opening creating a sound not unlike blowing over the top of a half filled glass of wine.  
  
Pulling off my jacket I feel the wind gently caress my arm hair, as the only thing I have on beneath the jacket is a T-shirt saying, "I'm with stupid". Wrapping the jacket around my satchel I place it on my shoulder holding it in place with my right hand.  
  
I rearrange my holster to my hip and walk slowly towards the entrance and I soon am illuminated in the night as a security light above the door switches on.  
  
The door is a dark brown that can only originate from oak; a handle is on each door shaped like an angel and looks to be made of gold.  
  
Nice Angels  
  
I smile and place my hand against the right door rapping my fingers there gently, enough so to get attention but not so much that I would disturb anyone unnecessarily.  
  
The wind picks up around me and it rubs gently against the hairs on the back of my neck making them stand on end and a shiver runs all the way down my spine and back up again.  
  
Footsteps approach the door from within and I hear locks as they are released and the door starts to open.  
  
The light that is above shines slightly down into the entranceway illuminating the figure that stands there.  
  
It is Angel, no doubt about that.  
  
He is wearing a red silk robe with a dragon design on each of the arms; it is tied at the centre. His hair is slightly a mess and he runs his hand through it, as he looks my way.  
  
Then a new sound greets my ears, the now heightened senses that I posses can pick it up easily, a heartbeat and it's coming from Angel.  
  
"Hello.. May I help you?" he asks, as he looks me up and down.  
  
He.. Did get it  
  
Redemption.  
  
The thing he had sought all his souled vampire life, he had finally achieved, yet one thing taunted me in the back of my mind, is Buffy in there? Does he now possess her as well?  
  
Look I chastise myself its got nothing to do with you anyway.. You left, she can be with who she wants.. Except Spike  
  
The shock wears off and I turn my open mouth into a smile and reach out with my hand.  
  
"Angel.."  
  
He does a double take and looks me up and down, from the boots I wear on my feet to the now gruff look that my unshaven face has taken, and as his eyes meet mine I can tell he knows who I am.  
  
"Xan..der?"  
  
I grab his hand and shake it then return it back to my side.  
  
"One and the same" I reply "nice hair"  
  
His mouth upturns into a smile "It's been.."  
  
"10 years.. since you've seen me"  
  
"That long.. Doesn't time fly"  
  
"When your human" I add and I can see his smile widen.  
  
"How do you know.. Buffy tell you?.. You been back to Sunnydale right?"  
  
"No.. I'm kinda on my way there now"  
  
"So.. How?"  
  
"I have my sources and my senses" I say and tap my nose with my index finger.  
"Same old Xander" he droll's out.  
  
"Is that an insult?"  
  
"I don't even know.. So what you doing here?"  
  
"Well.. I was planning on returning to Sunnydale tomorrow.. So can I have a place to stay?"  
  
He smiles and steps aside motioning me inside.  
  
"Sure.. Loads of rooms at chez Angel's"  
  
"Was that a joke?"  
  
"Maybe.. I'm too tired"  
  
"I see"  
  
I walk past him into the reception area and hear him close and lock the door behind me then he walks up beside me.  
  
I look around the reception.  
  
The stairs lay dead centre as they travel upwards to the floors above, in the far left corner a reception desk is situated, well it's a hold in the wall that has had wood fitted to it.  
  
A few doors line the same wall.  
  
"You going back to see them?"  
  
I turn and look him straight in the eye.  
  
"More like business"  
  
He nods his head "Want to go to my office.. We have a lot to talk about"  
  
"Maybe" I whisper and follow him as he walks through a wooden door.  
  
We enter his office and I peruse my surroundings.  
  
Two desks are present in the room.  
  
The first is his main desk, it is about waist high and is made of similar oak to that of the front door, a fax machine rests on top as does a notepad with a blue inkjet pen laying on top of that.  
  
He walks behind it and sits in a leather swivel chair and looks my way.  
  
His other desk is a computer desk and just has that on top, with a few CD's scattered across the top of the desk.  
  
A filing cabinet is on each side of his main desk with paper littering the top of each.  
  
2 shelves are attached to the wall and have pictures on them, but two in particular catches my attention.  
  
The first is where Angel is in a tuxedo next to a woman in a wedding dress.  
  
He's married.. And not to Buffy  
  
The woman is pretty, blonde and nearly as tall as he is.  
  
On the second photo the same blonde is there but this time she is holding a baby in the hospital.  
  
Oh my god  
  
I walk up placing the satchel down at the side of a wooden chair opposite Angel and take a seat.  
  
"Your married"  
  
It was a statement not a question.  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Wow.. Congratulations"  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"You got a kid too"  
  
Again it was a statement  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Congratulations the sequel"  
  
He taps his fingers gently on the desk then looks directly into my eyes.  
  
"They miss you"  
  
"Of Course they do.. I'm a fun guy"  
  
He smiles.  
  
"I mean.. Really"  
  
"Yea.. I missed them too.. Still do but I now have a life"  
  
"So why you going back?"  
  
"Well it seems my new life needs me to go to Sunnydale"  
  
"Oh.. They'll be disappointed"  
  
"Oh no" I chuckle "Anyway.. Less about me more about you… who's the unlucky woman?"  
"Her names.. Kate"  
  
"Kate eh.." then it hits me "that police woman?"  
  
"One and the same"  
  
"Wow.. She hated you.. Almost as much as me"  
  
"Yea.. But I love her"  
  
"Good for you.. Everyone needs someone to love"  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"I'm the exception"  
  
"Yea.. Well anyway.. It was three years ago.. Just before I gained my redemption.. I was still a vampire and we got closer and well.. You know the rest of the story"  
  
"What no gory details?"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Ah well.. I'll live.. What about your redemption?"  
  
"Okay.. This is how it went"  
  
  
////////////////// Flashback ///////////////  
  
  
"Wesley.. attack NOW"  
  
Angel dodges a hit by a large behemoth of a demon and rolls under the arm that was sent his way then jumps up behind it and spin kicks it in the back of the head.  
  
This demon was no ordinary demon, it was conjured by Wolfram and Hart to bring about the apocalypse, but Angel wasn't about to let that happen.  
  
They had a plan, Cordelia and Gunn were performing a spell to create a portal to a known Hell world and Wesley and Angel were to distract it until it opened and push the demon into it.  
  
It was taking way too long.  
  
The demon stood 12 feet tall, it was a dark blue colour with deep red eyes and 2 horns protruding from its head, it was fast but not as fast as Angel.  
  
But what it lacked in speed it made up for in strength.  
  
Right now Angel has a hole in his side from a punch he didn't manage to dodge in time, blood was pouring from a cut on his forehead and he could barely see out of his right eye.  
The demon didn't seem to tire one bit and kept on trying to hit the two buffoons who think they can hurt him.  
  
Angel kept looking behind him at Gunn and Cordelia waiting for the signal to push the demon back.. But so far no luck.  
  
Hurry up  
  
He dodged a hit by the demon and jumped up kicking it in the gut while kicking off and spinning in mid-air then returning gracefully to the ground.  
  
Wesley attacked from behind but he almost instantaneously was shoved away like an insect into the nearby wall.  
  
Good job were in this car park  
  
Wesley was now out of the game, so the demon turned and faced Angel.. One on one.  
  
He charged towards Angel and Angel just barely jumped out of the way letting the demon bang straight into a concrete post.  
  
That had to...  
  
He didn't carry on that line of thinking as the demon just turned and shook its head and carried on towards Angel.  
  
Ahh crap  
  
He turned and started running towards a wall whilst looking out of the corner of his eye.  
  
The demon was closing, as he reached the wall he jumped and kicked off flying backwards and hitting the Demon Square in the jaw with one of his flailing feet.  
  
Turning he dropped to the floor to face the demon that had by now turned.  
  
"YOU will DIE" it screamed.  
  
He turns his head and sees Cordelia nodding her head.  
  
Great all I have to do is get him over to the stair case  
  
It headed towards him and he started backing off quickly making his way to the staircase.  
  
Fantastic.. He's an idiot  
  
It was following him as planned he stopped just in front of the staircase and now the demon was 3 feet from him.  
  
It continued on its path to tackle Angel, but he sidestepped him sending him into the portal.  
  
YES  
  
But then he turned as he saw something out of the corner of his eye.  
  
The demon was pulling himself back out by ramming his fist into the wall.  
  
He tried to kick the demons hand but it was futile.. Looking at his watch it red 11:58.  
  
If it reached 12 and the demons till existed then there would be no hope.. He had to do something.  
  
There's only one way  
  
Turning around a tear falling down his cheek he looks over to Cordelia and Gunn.  
  
"Tell Kate.. I love her"  
  
And he jumps colliding with the demon sending them both into hell.  
  
  
//////////////// Flashback ////////////////  
  
"Wow.. So you've been to hell twice now"  
  
"Yea.. And it's not nice.. Well anyway the PTB pulled me out but this time they said I had earned my redemption then bala bing bala boom I'm a human.. Then a year later along comes Bethany"  
  
"Bethany?"  
  
"The baby"  
  
"Well.. Congratulations again" I reiterate  
  
"Yea.. So what's your story?" he asks eyeing me  
  
"Story?"  
  
"Leaving.. And coming back"  
  
"Oh that.. It's nothing really.. Pointless talking about it"  
  
"Fine.. Fine"  
  
I tap my fingers gently on the desk.  
  
"How's Cordelia?" I ask   
  
He smiles "She's fine.. Long term relationship.. Aspiring actress still"  
  
"Wow.. You think she'd give up"  
  
"Yea but you know Cordy"  
"That I do.. So how's the rest of the LA crew?"  
  
"Wesley tied the knot.. and Gunn is Gunn"  
  
"Ahh.. Well good for them lot"  
  
"Business?" he says them words and I look at him questioningly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said you were going to Sunnydale on business.. What business?"  
  
"Nothing big.. About 7"4.. So can I have a room.. I got to get going early in the morning"  
  
"Sure.. Any room on the third floor is yours"  
  
"Okay. Thanks Angel"  
  
I stand up picking up my satchel then turn walking out of the door hearing Angel mutter "7 foot 4" as I make my way up the stairs and I laugh.  
  
I make my way up the stairs to the third floor and quickly choose the first room I come to stepping inside.  
  
Looking around I scan the room.  
  
A bed lays dead centre, it is a single bed with a red quilt and pillow set on top, two bedside tables stand at each side of the bed.  
  
A wardrobe stands to my left while a chest of drawers is to my right, a window is on the left wall and it looks out upon LA.  
  
Quickly stripping to my boxers I jump under the covers.  
  
Comfiest place I've slept in.. In a while  
  
An image passes in front of my eyes, an image of one person, the same person I have thought of since I left my old home.  
  
Buffy.  
  
"Everyone needs someone to love" I mutter and my eyes close as I drift off into complete slumber.  
  
  
  



	3. 2

Title: Lonely in my heart (2/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar   
  
E-mail: mutant190583@yahoo.com  
  
Category: B/X  
  
Rating: PG14  
  
Summary: Xander.. After 10 years on his own.. He's  
changed   
  
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they  
belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story is mine.   
  
  
Feedback: Most totally dude:)  
  
-------  
  
The sun's rays greet me as my eyelids ascend and I awake from my slumber, I pull myself up stretching my arms and yawning as I get my bearings.  
  
Letting my eyes roam my surroundings, mainly the room and the memories of the nights previous events come flooding back,  
  
"Comfy bed" I mumble as I pull myself free from the covers preparing to dress.  
  
I run my hand along my jaw feeling the stubble there and rubbing it gently "could do with a shave. And a wash" I grab my satchel from the place I had thrown it the night before, the side of the bed.  
  
Placing it on the bed I undo it and let the contents spill out.  
  
"Most of my worldly possession.. Good job some of it's money," I say smiling as I check the bills in there counting every single one, I pull my clothes from beneath the money and lay them out at the side of the satchel.  
  
Some leather trousers, a blue T-shirt with the Nike symbol on it in the centre that was slightly ripped on one sleeve and a pair of silk blue boxers.  
  
"Maybe I should buy some clothes," I say as I look at the clothes that are dirty on the floor at the side of my feet "Naa better not I was told this money was for Sunnydale only.. I have no idea why though, never needed money before"  
  
Placing the money back in the satchel I bend down picking up my clothes and dump them in afterwards tieing it up.  
  
I pull on my clothes fast though I have difficulty with the trousers.  
  
"Must have put on some weight.. Damn trousers"  
Making the bed quickly I grab my satchel and run out the door towards the stairs.  
  
  
--------  
  
Descending the stairs I scan the room with my eyes and ears but hear nothing, no one is awake yet.  
  
Good makes it easier to leave  
  
Before I make it to the door however I hear someone outside and soon a key is placed in the keyhole and is turned, the light floods into the reception and I raise my arm to see the unknown guest, but from her footsteps I should have guessed.  
  
"Xan..der" Cordelia spurts out, her mouth slightly open and the light still shining around her frame from the open door behind her.  
  
"Cordelia" I reply smiling "How's it been"  
  
She turns to close the door before she makes a step forward and tries to slap me across the face; I grab her hand smiling at her.  
  
"Sorry Cordy.. But I'm sensitive to been hit, it hurts" I release her hand and she rubs her wrist then looks up at me, I see a lone tear descend her left cheek.  
  
"Xander what happened" she asks.  
  
I suppose its story telling time  
  
"Okay Cordy, come with me.. You see it all started on the day of Buffy's funeral..."  
  
-------  
  
"You could have called or something.. They were worried" She says a frown on her face after I had told her my story.  
  
"I needed time"   
  
Cordelia is sat in Angel's chair while I am sat in the same one I had the night before looking in her direction.  
  
"I was worried"  
  
"I can take care of myself.." I reply "I suppose it's time to change the subject.. I heard you have a significant other?"  
  
Her face brightens up for the first time since she had seen me her eyes seem to drift as she looks my way and she had obviously missed my changing of the subject.  
  
"Yea, he's great, Cameron"  
  
"He better look after you.." I say warningly although from the look on her face she is oblivious to my tone.  
  
"He does, very well"  
  
"Well good"  
  
I tap my fingers gently on the desk and scan the pictures finding the one of Angel with his kid.  
  
Who'd have thought, 15 years ago they were inseparable now he has a kid with someone else.. Man if he'd just have fallen in love with someone else earlier  
  
"I really missed you" she says out of the blue and I see a tear descend her cheek following the other one from earlier, I reach for her hand and squeeze it gently before standing up and pulling her around the desk into my hug.  
  
"I missed you all too, I still do but I couldn't come back my life.. it revolved around something else after and still does.. I love you all.. Even Angel"  
  
I hear a giggle from my shoulder and she pulls back and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.  
  
"Never thought I'd hear you say that" she says smiling.  
  
"Me neither" I reply dryly "So any plans for today?"  
  
"Well we have a research party planned this morning that's why I'm here so early and later on is pretty empty I might go shopping"  
  
"Who does the fighting now that Angel's all human and stuff?"  
  
"Mostly Wesley and Gunn, although Angel himself isn't soft"  
  
"Wow.. Wesley" I say and smile   
  
She rolls her eyes and smiles.  
  
"So what's your life revolve around now.. If not us?"  
  
"I suppose I could call it a job"  
  
"Is it well paid?" she says   
  
Same Cordy  
  
"I knew you'd say that" I reply and smirk "It's a crap wage but I like the job"  
  
She nods understandingly then looks around and finally back at me.  
  
"What are you doing here anyway?" she asks   
  
"Just passing through.. Angel let me stay"  
  
"Passing through?.. Sunnydale?" she asks and I nod "I would have guessed"  
  
"Yea well talking about Sunnydale I really must go.. Got to get there early"  
  
I stand up and prepare to leave but she grabs my hand and I turn towards her.  
  
"Don't leave yet.. Can we talk some more; you don't have to go this early do you? You could come shopping with me later" she pleads and gives me the puppy dog eyes that I mastered so long ago.  
  
"Sure Cordy I can stay till a bit later.. Just a bit"  
  
Just a bit.. Damn I'm such a softy  
  
She smiles and we sit again, she decides to tell me all that had happened since I left and I listen to her rambling which makes me smile.  
  
  
--------  
  
"You see this shop it's good for snake skin shoes and bags and other stuff like that.. And this one is good for versace dresses"  
  
Oh god.. I really should have declined  
  
"Are you listening Xander?"  
  
"Umm yea.. What were you saying"  
  
We had left Angel's hotel just under an hour ago after I helped them find there demon in the books, right now Wes, Gunn and Angel were out trying to find it's nest.  
  
Man wish I was with them.. Kicking some demon booty would be good right about now  
  
I hear the sound of skateboard wheels making its way down the path towards us, turning my head slightly I look at the person.  
  
He is about 18 years old with baggy clothes and has dread locks in his hair, he is headed for us and his eyes remain on Cordelia's Handbag.  
  
When he is about to grab her bag and make off with it I place my arm out making him hit it and fall to the floor with a grunt of pain, leaning down I pull him up and slam him into the wall making him let out another grunt.  
  
I see Cordelia's open mouthed expression and smile at her.  
  
Turning back I see the guy looking at me in fear.  
  
"Okay.. This can go two ways" I whisper as I lean closer "I let you go and you go hand yourself in to that Security guard over there" I point to a big burly guy in a uniform "Or I let you go and you try to attack me with that knife in your pocket in which case I'll break both your arms"  
  
I release the man and turn to grab Cordelia's hand, I hear him reaching for his pocket.  
  
Big mistake  
  
I turn quickly intercepting the stabbing arm and twist violently hearing the bone snap as I press him back hard against the wall, he lunges at me with his other arm but I grab that also inflicting the same damage on it.  
  
"What happened here.." A security guard says as walks up and looks at the man on the floor.  
  
"He tried to steal my friends purse.. I wouldn't let him"  
  
"I'll have to take some statements"  
  
"Sorry" I reply "but I don't have time for statements"  
  
Stepping forward I try to walk off but he intercepts me.  
  
"Then you'll make time," he says, he looks me up and down then grins smugly.  
  
Stupid mistake fat donut eating freak  
  
"LOOK.." I would have said more but Cordelia touched my arm and interrupted me.  
  
"We'd really love to officer.. But we need to get to the hospital, can't we give you our names and addresses and you can get back to us?"  
  
He looks at Cordelia and nearly drools on his shoes as she grins at him, he nods his head and she writes our names and addresses on a piece of paper and hands it to him then we walk off.  
  
"Nice work" I whisper to Cordy as we make our way out of the area.  
  
"I know"   
  
"What now?"  
  
"The perfume shops"  
  
I groan  
  
----------------  
  
  
We had gone through all the shops and I can't even count how many things she had bought, I sit here surrounded by bags as she has walked off to yet another store.  
  
"Okay.. Her boyfriends rich" I mumble and straighten up as I see her approach with a bag in hand.  
  
"What now.. What haven't you got?"  
  
"Ermm Dinner"  
  
That statement makes me straighten up and I smile at her as she deposits a bigmac in my hand and a coke in the other one.  
  
"You're the best Cordy" I mumble as I take a bite from the burger.  
  
"Don't I know it" she replies and takes a sip of coffee from a Styrofoam cup.  
  
I eat the burger quickly ever so often taking sips of coke from my cup, finishing quickly I turn to see Cordy looking at me.  
  
"What.. do I got a booger?"  
  
She smiles.  
  
"No.. it's just unique"  
  
"What is?"  
  
"How you eat.. simply Xander!  
  
"Should I take that as a compliment?"  
  
"I would" she replies and stands up "Right.. now to get all this home"  
  
"What on? A truck?"   
  
"Funny.. No a Taxi should do"  
  
"Mega sized taxi" I reply in a whisper and smile when she looks at me suspiciously.  
  
  
  
-------------  
  
We managed to get all her stuff safely home in a Taxi, most of it piled on top, I was told to watch make sure nothing fell off, I did. For a bit anyway.  
  
We are now sat in Angel's, Cordelia is in the kitchen making something, Wes is in front of me, Gunn is sat at the side and Kate is sat in the chair with the baby on her lap.  
  
"So.." I say breaking the silence "Fighting Wes.. how's that going for you?"  
  
"Good good"  
  
I nod in response then turn to Gunn "you?"  
  
"Hmm okay I guess"  
  
"Good" I reply, raising my arm I look at my watch 2:30 PM.  
  
Whatever happened to going early?  
  
I hear Cordelia return from the kitchen and she has two cups in her hands, I stand up and shake my head.  
  
"I must go.. got to be there for the rai.. something"  
  
She nods and I can see tears threatening to fall.  
  
"Hey don't worry" I assure her "I'll visit you on my way back"  
  
"Your.. Not staying permanently?"  
  
"No.. Why?"  
  
"I just thought.."  
  
"Well no I have other stuff.. now I really must go"  
  
"okay.." she leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek then backs of and smiles.  
  
Shaking all the guys hands and giving Kate a kiss, I head out of the door, satchel in hand and jump on my bike.  
  
"Sunnydale.. I just hope they don't have as much influence as Cordelia.. Or I'm screwed"  
  
I'm screwed  
  
I turn the key letting the engine roar into life and pull free from the curb headed out of LA, towards Sunnydale, towards destiny?  
  



	4. 3

Lonely in my Heart   
Part 3   
  
The wind brushes along the tips of my hair and down the back of my neck making me shiver as I tighten my fingers around the handle and rev the bike harder.   
  
With a burst of speed I switch lanes and pass a ford escort and smile at the kids who are making faces at me out of the side window.   
  
I tear into another lane and keep my eyes focused on the task at hand slightly uneasy about what will await me in the not too distant future.   
  
An hour had passed since I had said my goodbye's to Cordelia and jumped on bike headed for Sunnydale.   
  
Images of my friends had been pestering me for about half an hour, I felt nervous about meeting them.   
  
  
  
I grip the handle harder and clench my teeth, but then a voice clears my thoughts, a voice from the past, one that had been there for me, who was my mentor.   
  
  
------------------------------------------ Flashback ------------------------------------------   
  
"Rule 96 kid.. concentrate"   
  
A punch to my stomach makes me double over as the oxygen is expelled from my lungs, I hear the demon laughing and that just pisses me off, I raise my hand to his wrist and twist hard hearing him scream in pain.   
  
I smile in satisfaction as I bring it behind his back and slip the dagger from my belt into my hand then stab the demon straight through his black heart and watch as he dissolves into a murky grey liquid.   
  
"I would concentrate," I say turning as I slip the dagger into my belt "but it's damn hard when you say it like that guy off Hercules"   
  
"Okay okay" Dennis replies jumping down from where he is perched on a Dumpster "maybe I have watched it too many times.. It's good"   
  
"And he says he's a legend" I murmur then smile at him "Franks diner, your treat?"   
  
"Sure.. And I heard that"   
  
We walk out of the dark alley towards franks diner that stands across the road.   
  
Dennis, he's strange, very. One day he just showed up and said "Hi, I'm your trainer", it's hard to say what he is, he's definitely not human, I've seen him.. change, from a pink skinned human to a being that just seems to suck light in.   
  
He won't tell me who he is, just that he was sent from the PTB, that's good enough for me I suppose aslong as he doesn't try anything funny, but I doubt he will after all it's been 4 month and he's been a good bud.   
  
He does dress weird, kind of like a 1930's detective, gun and all, except he never uses it, he's a good fighter after all he's been training me, he never tells me why I'm needed he just says "your more than meets the eye" so I just don't ask anymore.   
  
We walk into the Diner and take our usual booth; Marge walks over smiling at us.   
  
"Need I ask?"   
  
"Sure.. Makes us feel important" Dennis replies grinning at Marge   
  
"Ok.. What'll it be"   
  
"A large burger with an anchovy on top, some fries and a large coke" he says and I slightly grimace at his regular order.   
  
"Just a coke Marge" I say and she nods walking back to the counter.   
  
"Did you pull that face at my dinner?" he asks   
  
"Well come on Den it's gross I mean who the hell as an anchovy on top of a burger?"   
  
"Me" he replies indignantly   
  
"Okay.. Iet's not argue about your questionable tastes anymore, we've had this argument way too much," I say and look around the diner noting it's regular sparseness.   
  
I feel a nudge on my arm and turn back to see Dennis looking at me.   
  
"What?"   
  
"I called you three times.. You thinking about your friends?"   
  
I just nod in response.   
  
"They are okay.. All of them"   
  
"I know.. I just miss them so much"   
  
He smiles "I know how you feel kid"   
  
"You know how much I hate being called Kid.. Dman"   
  
He smiles then swats me on the arm for the dreaded nickname usage.   
  
"Anyway.. I have something to tell you"   
  
"Yea.. What?"   
  
"Umm I have to leave"   
  
My mouth comes open as I look at him.   
  
"Your.. Leaving? Why?"   
  
"Because.. I'm told to"   
  
"But.. I need you.. You are training me"   
  
"You don't need me, your good, the best infact, you just need faith in your abilities and I can't give you that, you need to find that alone"   
  
"But I can't.. I'm not that good"   
  
He lunges at me from across the table and I pull my head down ducking it then pull my hand up to block his other arm.   
  
"See" he says and lowers his hand "Your good, you just need confidence, they are going to call on you for a mission soon, you can do it and you know why I know this?"   
  
"No"   
  
"Because I trained you and you're the best damn person, thing I ever trained, you can handle anything. Do you understand"   
  
I nod slightly and he grabs my arm hard.   
  
"You need to believe in yourself, you can handle anything"   
  
  
-------------------------------------- End flashback -----------------------------------------   
  
A sign appears up ahead   
  
Entering Sunnydale   
  
I fly past it at top speed smiling.   
  
  
I stare forward and rev the engine harder.


	5. 4

Lonely in my Heart   
Part 4   
  
Buildings appear from the depths of the horizon bringing with it the town that I once called home, the sun has started to descend into the far off horizon but has not completely vanished from my sight.   
  
A few clouds can be as I look up and look like large white pillows hanging from a canvas that is the evening sky.   
  
A few shops close as I pass them getting ready for the demons that the night can bring, from the looks on a few of the peoples faces I can tell they are not so oblivious as they were in my memories.   
  
I turn the corner left and nearly skid as the shock of the sight of 4 boarded up buildings, a woman stands on the corner with nothing more than a tight shirt showing her cleavage and a thong on.   
  
  
  
Pressing down hard on the pedal I zoom towards the nearest motel getting the information from my memories of the place.   
  
----------   
  
Skidding to a halt I place the bike on its stand and look at the motel, a neon sign is broken as only one of the words is highlighted with green light.   
  
"Castaway motel"   
  
The place looks dirty, two very large glass doors make it clear that that is the reception area, on each side of the reception entrance, doors can be seen to go off in both directions counting up to 40 rooms.   
  
I slip off my bike grabbing the satchel and walk into the motel.   
  
  
-----------   
  
  
The TV can be heard blaring as I step through the entrance, looking towards the counter I see a guy sitting there staring intently at the TV and laughing at each of the very loud punch lines.   
  
Keys are hanging on each wall, there seems to be 11 empty rooms at the moment, I walk up and place my hand on the bell letting it ring out loudly.   
  
Even though the guy sits but 5 feet from me he doesn't seem to respond to the bell, I bang it again but still no response.   
  
  
  
I lean over the counter reaching for the TV and it soon fizzles and dies as I pull the plug free from the wall.   
  
"Hey What's the big Id.."   
  
He looks at me and then quietens down.   
  
The guy looks to be in his mid thirties, he has greying hair that is parted in the centre, he is wearing a blue shirt that needs a good ironing and a red tie that doesn't seem to be tied properly.   
  
"I'd like a room"   
  
"Yes.. Sir" he responds as he eyes me.   
  
He grabs a set of keys from the wall and throws them onto the counter; I pick them up and turn to walk off.   
  
"There's a paying up front.. And umm deposit"   
  
He seems nervous as I turn and look at him slightly, he looks at my leather jacket then seems to back off a bit.   
  
Pulling a 100 from my pocket I throw it over the counter.   
  
"Keep the change"   
  
Exiting the reception quickly I read the keying, it is slightly used and some of the words of the motel's name are hard to make out but the room number sticks out clearly.   
  
"Room 12 here I come"   
  
Walking over to my bike I pull it off the stand and walk with it to my room.   
  
  
---------------   
  
  
Stepping into my room I shut the door behind me and look at my surroundings as I flick the light switch on that is on the wall to the left.   
  
A bed sits dead centre in the room and seems to have the ability to vibrate when quarters are placed in the machine at the side.   
  
At the foot of the bed is a small table, which has the Television on, that seems very old compared to modern technology. One wardrobe lines the far wall and a door is right of it obviously leading to the bathroom.   
  
Dropping my satchel on the bed I walk and open the door stepping into the bathroom and perusing my surroundings.   
  
The tub lines the left wall and has a shower attachment and the sink and cabinet are opposite of it with the toilet lining the far wall.   
  
I turn the taps in the tub letting the water out, a murky brown liquid seems to come from the taps, and I whack my hand against the bath and watch as the water turns clear, and I smile and shed my clothing.   
  
----------------------   
  
Having been bathed and sorted out the few wearable clothes that I own I choose to wear the pair of jeans that I had been bought by Cordelia earlier, I dress quickly and place my leather jacket over a T-shirt that says "Suck it".   
  
Grabbing my moschino shades I place them gently on my nose then exit the room locking it as I go.   
  
Jumping aboard my bike I set off with a roar of the engine towards the nearest bar.   
  
"God I need a whiskey… What's the phrase Dutch courage.. Definitely need some of that"   
  
--------------------   
  
Jumping off my bike I place it on it's stand and walk slowly towards the bar, many peoples are sitting and cleaning there own motorcycles, a few look towards me but for the most part they seem to be too interested in there bikes.   
  
I slip the doorman some money and walk past him into the bar.   
  
The first thing that hits me is the noise, from all around there seems to be arguments going on, punches been thrown people been beaten up.   
  
I dodge someone as they get punched and fly towards me, I smile and walk towards the bar.   
  
Next thing to hit me is the smell of the place it just reeks whiskey.   
  
  
  
Jumping onto a seat I bang my fist on the counter hard making a loud noise, the bar man walks over.   
  
He is dressed in a uniform that seems just fit for this place, a leather jacket with a tie.   
"Whatdya want"   
  
"Large Whiskey"   
  
He nods his head then grabs a bottle pouring it sloppily into a glass that he places on the counter, a few drops of whiskey hit the counter creating one more stain on that stain ridden wood.   
  
I drop the correct money in his hand then take a drink of the whiskey and turn on the barstool looking around.   
  
A grunt of pain is heard as one more person falls unconscious as he is hit with a chair from behind, I watch carefully as three people try to take on this giant of a man.   
  
He stands 7" tall and looks to be about 400 pounds, he throws them like rag dolls into the wall making them all crumble to the floor in a heap and then more join the fray to take down the giant.   
  
A tap on my shoulder makes me turn my head, a drunken slob is leaning on the counter unsteadily and I drawback as the smell of his breath makes me grimace, his head is mostly free of hair with but a few strands hear and there.   
  
"Yea" I inquire.   
  
"Me and me friend over there.. We were thinking that you're a fucking fag"   
  
Looking over his shoulder I see another equally drunken slob leaning against the wall with about as much hair.   
  
"You see.. I don't know how to reply; normally I'd just break a leg for such a remark but… I didn't like your tone of voice"   
  
He draws back and looks me up and down then laughs in my face.   
  
Grabbing him by the throat I throw him across the club sending him flying into the giant that turns just in time to get collided with and it makes him topple over as well and his head hit's the wall making him fall unconscious.   
  
The place instantly becomes quiet.   
  
"Goliath.. He's down"   
  
"Oh that name fits him so well" I smirk as everyone turns to look at me.   
  
"Get HIM"   
  
Fist flew, arms tried to hit and people fell unconscious as I stepped aside and dodged every hit and left the club, they had not realised I had left and fighting could still be heard from the inside of the building.   
  
"Idiots.. Bikers"   
  
I drink the last of my whiskey then smash the glass on the ground and walk jumping onto my bike; I let it roar into life and I head for the nearest graveyard.   
  
"See if anything's the same in this town"   
  
  
-------------   
  
They can be heard hunting from a person with heightened senses like myself, sneaking through the underbrush, crawling through the dirt, walking behind unsuspecting victims.   
  
Letting my hand out fast I grab him by the scruff of his collar and his two would be victims turn scared out of their wits.   
  
A young girl about the age of 18 looks to be on her first date with a similar aged boy.   
  
"It's okay folks, my friend jimmy here won't hurt you, I'll take him back to the institution" I smile and grab the vampire crushing him in a hug.   
  
"You can go.. It's just a heartfelt moment between two long lost brothers.. You see he's mental"   
  
The girl smiles slightly but is pulled away by the guy and they soon disappear into the darkness.   
  
"So" I say turning and smiling at the vamp "Anything new happening"   
  
"Who are you?" he says looking me up and down.   
  
I pick a piece of mud from his clothing, obviously he is newly risen, and I place an arm around him.   
  
"You see my friend Buffy died and well.."


	6. 5

Lonely in my Heart   
Part 5   
  
Brushing the dust free from my clothing I watch as it floats to the slightly wet grass below then turn.   
  
  
  
My nose picks up the smell of something revolting, death; I had smelled it so many times before, hearing the sound of movement to my side I quickly dodge an axe that was meant for my head. I turn my head slightly and see the vampire as he topples to the ground.   
  
"Weapons no one said you could use weapons"   
  
A tingle runs along my spine as I feel 3 other's step out of the trees that lay not far away behind me.   
  
"Yea well" he says grunting as he pulls himself up "Fred was a friend"   
  
"Fred… oh you must have your wires crossed, he was Jimmy"   
  
His faces scrunches up in confusion and he is not alert when I run forward and jump kicking him in the chest, he flies through the air and skids to a halt as he hits a tree.   
  
Turning around smoothly I jab the heel of my boot into another vampire that was running my way. He raises his hand trying to cradle his throat and I see the surprised look on his face as I jump up and kick him as hard as possible making him head back the way he came only faster. A branch sticks out from a tree and I hear the usual sound of a vampire dusting as he litters the floor.   
  
Turning quickly I dodge a hand as it aims for my face. By now Fred's friend had pulled himself up, Axe and all. My Spine tingles again and I scrunch my nose at the smell of 4 more vampires joining the fray, 6 versus 1 now.   
  
I smile at the vampire who brandishes an axe "You know.. I fight fair"   
  
"Yea well good for you.. That's honourable" a vampire replies from behind me then sneers.   
  
Fred's friend nods his head and they all head towards me at top speed. A kick from a leather boot to my side makes me grunt in pain but as I ignore the pain and the need to regurgitate my food I grab the vampire's leg and pull down fast and hear it break, the vampire screams and falls to the floor in pain.   
  
  
  
The squelch of shoes on the grass behind me makes me jump, I spin and perform a perfect kick to the face of a vampire heading straight for me his head snaps back and he falls and slides along the grass.   
  
Sliding my hands into the sides of my belts I feel for the wooden hand carved stakes that are always there and pull them free.   
  
The two knocked down vamps jump up and look at me menacingly, I dodge three punches aimed at my heads from all sides and sticks out my hands stakes and all as the two vampires run towards me, soon enough more dust is blowing in the wind.   
  
"What.. No witty remarks, like you'll die, your only human.. You're just a MORTAL" Screaming the last part I smile as they suddenly look towards each other then run heading towards the trees.   
  
  
  
Picking up the pace slightly I chase after them and let my hands out fast watching as the two stakes make there way into two of the vampires hearts. I approach the vampires dusting forms and roll on the grass pulling the stakes free as the last remnants of the vampires remain and throw them once more.   
  
One slides into the black heart of yet another of the undead and he turns to dust, the other vampire runs in to the woods and turns preparing to gloat at the space between us. He smiles and I smile back and his face drops.   
  
I point behind him, a small figure stands there about 5"6, she has blonde shoulder length hair and is as beautiful as the fist day that I had met her. Having recognised her scent but 4 more minutes previously has the wind had changed directions.   
  
Turning slowly he looks at the small figure that is Buffy summers, from the look that his body language takes on he doesn't seem scared, very stupid.   
  
"What are you going to do…. Take me shopping girly, do you know what I am"   
  
"Girly" she replies indignantly then looks him up and down "I think the real question is.. Do YOU (she points at him with Mr pointy) know who I am"   
  
Listening from my spot surrounded by three dust piles I smile as I listen to hear voice, having missed it for so long.   
  
He shifts his face into that of his vampire visage and she smiles at him.   
  
"Ever heard of the word S L A Y E R"   
  
He has no time to react as she stabs Mr pointy through his undead heart and watches in satisfaction as he dissolves into dust before her eyes.   
  
She slips Mr pointy into her belt and lowers her eyes to the dust then back up, as she looks my way her eyes seem to scan me.   
Looking her up and down I keep the need to whistle loudly and crudely like a buffoon locked inside.   
  
  
  
Although she is just wearing some jogging pants and a purple sweater she pulls it off like no one but Buffy can.   
  
Staring at me she walks slowly over and from the looks she is giving me she is trying to figure out whether I am a bad guy or not.   
  
Watching her I smile as she stops about 10 feet away.   
  
"Well, if you were bad I'd have thought you would have attacked by now"   
  
"Probably" I reply "Or maybe I'm just biding my time"   
  
"Maybe" she tries to see who I am but the shadow of a nearby tree seems to cover my face "Do.. I know you because your voice sounds awfully familiar"   
  
"I'd think yea"   
  
I step slowly out of the shadow into the direct light coming from the moon that hangs high above; she looks at me as her mouth slightly opens in shock.   
  
"Xan….."   
  
Smiling awkwardly I just nod my head.   
  
Managing to collect her thoughts she walks slowly towards me and slowly places her hand on my cheek as she reaches up, she pulls it back quickly as It makes contact and I see the smile on her face and the unshed tears that will soon follow.   
  
Reaching out once more she runs her hand along my jaw and I see the shock still evident on her face that I can be stood here.   
  
Reaching slowly up I encircle her wrist with my fingers and slowly pull her hand down, suddenly I feel the full weight of her body hit mine as she encircles me in a hug.   
  
The tears now flow and I feel them seep through my T-shirt and onto my chest. I place a hand gently on her hair as she mumbles incoherent words from the tight hug to my chest.   
  
Soothing her I slide my hand down her hair and comfort her saying things like "I'm back.." as her opinions seems to think that this is some dream and soon she will wake up with no one.   
  
A twang of guilt runs through my entire body, as I feel sorry for the girl.. Woman that I loved and from the looks of it still love to this day.   
  
  
Bringing my eyes down to her form I see her try to grab me harder which is pretty much impossible and she is crying buckets of tears onto my T-shirt.   
  
"I promise" I say breaking the one thing I said I wouldn't before I set off on my travels "I promise, I'll never leave you again"


	7. 6

Dedication: Dedicated to Queen Angel.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nada.  
  
  
  
Lonely in my Heart  
  
Part 6  
  
1  
  
Hugging her gently he runs a hand along her cheek were the tear tracks are brushing away the dampness that is there, he pulls her to him, trying hard to be fully taken in by her beauty. Xander has great will power, he knows this as he had once resisted her when she wore nothing but a raincoat, he could resist been taken in by her beauty.  
  
Couldn't he?  
  
Her breathing becomes shallower and he peers down and spots her eyelids closed hiding her beautiful eyes as she as slightly drifted off into a doze as she snuggles into his chest. He had not thought it possible to fall asleep while standing up but she had accomplished it.  
  
Wow.. I must be boring or really really comfy  
  
Smiling slightly he picks her up gently into his arms, she is so light, so huggable and so beautiful it takes his breath away as the moons light shines down on her. Leaning slightly in he brushes his lips against her forehead gently.. Then pulls back quickly.. THIS was not the plan.  
  
You have self restraint USE IT He commanded himself.  
  
The plan was simple, well it was when he first thought of it, go in, fight with the Scoobies, destroy bad guy and leave. Simple right?  
  
Wrong.  
  
He felt so lonely, so attached to this woman that lays in his arms he just wants to hold her and never let her go, never releasing her from his grasp, cuddling, kissing and touching. If not for the years he had been fighting he would have give in then and there but his will, his will to fight to persevere.. To not let anyone where they could influence him takes over, it now controls him. A soldier Xander, not unlike the one he had been so long ago, only duty would exist, nothing more.  
  
Casually walking from the cemetery her in his arms he walks towards the Summer's place that he had seen so long ago hoping that they still held residence there.  
  
He walked up Rovello drive not noticing any changes here, he was happy that one part of hid old life remained the same and never changed. Before he knows it he stands in front of the building. Buffy and Dawn's house.  
  
No changes really, a few tiles seem chipped on the roof and it is dire need of a paint job but nothing major, the grass hasn't been cut for about 2 month but she probably didn't have time.  
  
He walked up the steps to the door and tried the handle, success, it opened.  
  
Slipping inside he saw the usual pictures mounting the walls, Buffy, Dawn and Buffy, Dawn and there mom. Smiling he casually looks around and notices no changes again and walks up the stairs quietly.  
  
Sliding into her room he notices the bed slightly dishevelled but no matter, placing her in the bed he places the covers over her and she snuggles into the pillow that she now lays on. He turns not looking directly at her and leaves the room, the sounds of breathing come from two more rooms in the house.. Two.  
  
Who is the other person?  
  
He couldn't help it, curiosity got the better of him and he peeked into Dawn's room and there she was laying silently asleep sucking on her thumb like she used to so long ago, but she has changed. Her hair slightly trimmed to her shoulders, she is more grown up, and more beautiful, Xander smiles and walks from the room towards Joyce's.  
  
Silently opening the door he peeks in, and looks toward the bed. A surprise.. FAITH?  
  
Wow.. Didn't expect that one  
  
She lays there probably butt naked under the covers as he can't see the signs of any clothes, she is as beautiful as ever, sexy and hot as well. He could not figure why she was here but.. He was happy, she had obviously changed her ways. Everyone deserved a second chance.  
  
Better leave.. a man walking around an house at night.. Very Kooky  
  
He leaves the house and walks back to get his bike from the graveyard.  
  
  
  
------------------------  
  
* The Next Morning*  
  
  
  
Buffy, slowly drifts from a sleep, a happy sleep full of a long lost friend and someone she could possible love and could definitely need right now, her eyes open and she looks around her bedroom, nothing of interest, placing a pillow over her head she listens to sounds that come from outside.  
  
A car passes, a bird flies by, the sound of a horn, a Xander right in front of her.. WHAT?  
  
"What.. What was that, was it a dream?" She asks herself, the vision clear, he stands there after disposing of a vampire, leather coat on, hair so nice.. She isn't sure, it seems real.  
  
Her mind had seemed to forget the night before with ease and she struggled to remember.. Then it came like a bolt of lightning through her skull. It was REAL.  
  
"It was FUCKING real" she couldn't help the profanity or the shouting as she jumps up from the bed and jumps high.."He's alive. He's alive and well"  
  
For so long they had wondered what had happened, what had happened to there friend. Did he die? For years they searched, Willow searched with the computer but nothing, Zilch. While Buffy was slightly confident it was real she wasn't 100% sure.. She needed to find out.  
  
At that moment as she jumped for the fiftieth time on her bed Dawn flies through the bedroom door into her room to the sight of her sister.. Happy. She hadn't seen it in a while, Buffy was never truly happy, she hadn't been since she came back really. It was definitely unusual but Dawn smiled at her sisters antics.  
  
"He's ALIVE" Buffy screams.  
  
Who? Who's alive.. Dawn wonders and walks forward gripping Buffy's arm she pulls her to a sitting position on her bed.  
  
"He's alive" Buffy repeats a smile wide on her face, Dawn was worrying now she thought this was extremely strange behaviour even for Buffy.  
  
"Who sis, Who's alive"  
  
"What's all this fucking noise" Faith walks into the bedroom butt naked.. "Someone's trying to sleep of several guys"  
  
"Ewww" Dawn says chirply despite Faiths nudeness "And by the way.. Clothes, use them"  
  
"I wouldn't need them if I was on my fantasy island surrounded by several gorgeous hot men.. with large.."  
  
"FAITH" Buffy shouts suddenly slipping out of her stupor, she covers Dawn's ears.  
  
"Oh come on she's nearly 25 for christ sake"  
  
Buffy pulls her hands from Dawns ears.  
  
"Maybe but.. That was so.. YOU"  
  
"You know it BABY" Faith says and smiles "So what was with all the noise?"  
  
"He's alive.. Xander.. He's alive"  
  
Dawn falls to the ground and faith.. Well she runs to get dressed.  
  
  
  
* Later that day *  
  
"Giles for the last time I did not dream it"  
  
Buffy had been trying to convince the gang all day that it wasn't a dream.  
  
"Buffy" Willow says and grabs her hand "We.. We're just unsure, we looked and hoped for so long.. We just.. It's hard."  
  
"I know Will.. I know But I SAW him, in the graveyard, he dusted 3 vamps.. "  
  
"See" Spike says interrupting her, he had been good for some time, even had a soul and everything though he wasn't much different except he'd never turn on them or he'd be castrated "That's the part.. I'm not exactly saying he couldn't fight but 3 vamps.. He never could fight 3 on his own."  
  
"Time changes people" Buffy replies "and it was him and we are going to find him, Understand"  
  
When the slayer spoke all took note, they didn't not believe her, it was just hard to believe it was true. But if she needed this they would try there hardest, They all stand in the magic box that was still owned by Giles. The door was locked and a closed sign was put up.  
  
Buffy, Faith, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles, Anya, Spike and Amy. What a motley crew, Witches, Slayers, Vampires, watchers and ex demons. They had fought so many different foes in the world. Saved the world on countless occasions and they now were searching for a lost friend in the same city as them, yet it was difficult.  
  
They could find no record of a Xander Harris anywhere except in missing persons, his bank account had long been shut as Willow had found out so long ago. But there were only so many places to stay in Sunnydale now that was an upside.  
  
"So the plan is to just look through all the hotels and motel?"  
  
"Don't forget the bed and breakfasts"  
  
"Well that's lame" Spike replies "just trial and error isn't there a quicker way.. How about a spell Willow?"  
  
"Well we tried it once before so there's no saying its going to work now"  
  
"We should split up" Giles informs them" And each take a part of town"  
  
"Right" Buffy replies "Giles and Anya"  
  
The sound of a groan from Giles can be heard  
  
"He's only kidding" Anya replies "He loves me really"  
  
"Sure" Faith says under her breath.  
  
"Spike and Amy"  
  
A groan from either side. They hate each other but Buffy thought it'd be amusing.  
  
"Willow and Tara"  
  
There relationship was stronger than ever, they had bumps along the way but they were stronger for it, they hold hands and smile.  
  
"Faith and Dawn your with me.. We take shit central"  
  
"God I hate that part of town" Dawn replies "It's such a mess.. and its called tembrook..remember"  
  
"Always be shit central to me" Faith says with a smirk.  
  
"Time to ROCK and ROLL" Giles shouts out and they all roll there eyes on cue and proceed to leave group after group.  
  
--------------------  
  
  
  
Xander wakes up to a banging on the door, he pulls himself out of bed in his boxers (Drool Queen Angel) And casually walks over to the door and pulls it open..  
  
"Umm Hi" 


	8. 7

Dedication: Dedicated to the B/X Fanfic group  
  
Disclaimer: I own nada.  
  
Beta-reader: Reed.. Cheers bud  
  
  
  
Lonely in my Heart  
  
Part 7  
  
1  
  
*A crummy hotel in Sunnydale*  
  
Xander was never one to be embarrassed and now was no different leaning against the doorframe he looks with a slight smile toward Willow and Tara. While they, on the other hand, were very embarrassed. They look toward the floor and try not to stare at him or even slightly look at him. Xander smiles wider as he sees the two girls blush. After last night, Xander did expect them to find him he just didn't expect it this soon. He was expecting time to dress at least. Here they are and they hadn't said a word to him yet.  
  
"So." Xander asks. "Will ... Tara, still going strong?"  
  
That broke the camel's back they both fly through the door and hugging him tightly He can hardly understand a word at all from the two witches as he can feel tears and a couple of sobs from them. He pats them on the back gently.  
  
"Not that I'm opposed to a threesome but I really must change."  
  
That brought them back as they both slap him on the chest. Willow's face is red with sobs as she continues to cry, he brings her to him and whispers soothing words to still his best friend.  
  
"It's okay Will. Look, I'll get dressed and then I'll come with you to see the gang and maybe I can explain things. Okay?"  
  
She nods her head. He releases her and Tara then gives Tara's hand a slight squeeze and smiles in her direction, he walks back into his bathroom taking his clothes with him.  
  
--------------  
  
* Willow POV*  
  
  
  
Willow didn't know what to make of it, he was back. Finally, after so many years of hoping, of crying, of looking at a picture of him from their younger days, and wishing he was here to talk to and then Boom! He just appears right in front of them. She just couldn't believe it, it was like a happiness overload in her brain and a wide smile was on her face as she waited for him to return from the bathroom. Looking at Tara, she sees a similar smile on her girlfriend's face. The redhead witch gives her hand a gentle squeeze and leans over to give the blonde witch a kiss on the cheek.  
  
How many years had passed? She couldn't count too many maybe. She had needed him for so long, everyone had. There was like a void in the Scooby Gang that no one could fill but him. Everyone felt it, Giles, Anya, Dawn, and most of all Buffy. Willow didn't know why but she missed him more than anyone it took ages to get her back to "normal," although she never truly returned. Now maybe there was a chance for normality. Maybe Xander can finally let her know how much he loves her, how much Willow knew that he loved her.  
  
The door opens.  
  
----------------  
  
* Tara POV*  
  
  
  
Tara was very happy, almost as happy as Willow. In the short time she had known Xander before he left. She knew him to be a true friend, a wonderful person that she could talk to for hours, and that she had considered a very good friend to her. When he left she was upset but helped the others deal. She dealt in her own way, casting spells, unknown to Willow, to find him but they always came back negative. That puzzled Tara, the spells were supposed to be the most powerful location spells. Sometimes so powerful she had even put herself in danger, yet they never turned up anything, that is why Tara thought he was dead long before the others and truly mourned for him before them.  
  
When they finally gave up the ghost and actually accepted that he was dead. Tara was there to help them all in some way, almost like she was filling in for Xander's part in the group, the heart.  
  
But here he is, in this crummy motel, changing in the bathroom and yet her spells wouldn't work. She had to wonder what he had been doing all these years and for whom he had been doing it but that could wait, she was just happy right now. She feels Willow squeeze her hand and she turns and smiles at her as Willow kisses her gently on the cheek.  
  
The knob of the door turns and it opens.  
  
--------------  
  
* In the bathroom*  
  
He was normally calm even when faced with 10 to 1 odds against the things that go bump in the night. He had been calm, he even joked, but now he was nearly shaking like a leaf. They were here, his Willow and Tara, the friends that he had missed so much. He couldn't help the smile on his face and held back a tear that threatened to fall. He pulls on his Levi 501's and then slips his bright yellow skull printed black T-shirt on over his head.  
  
They were here, his friends. He would meet them all again, seeing Buffy the night before was daunting. He had had a dream of her, a nice dream. It was a memory from days long passed, a fantastic memory that he could live other and other again.  
  
They would watch stupid films on Fox. They made jokes and he made her laugh. She giggles and he smiles as she did. It just made him so happy to see the darkness that was her life slip away for a while, to disappear and there was only him, her, and the laughter.  
  
When she died it was like, "What's the point?" The darkness had finally won, finally killed her and most of him along with it. It left him nearly empty the only thing keeping him going was his refusal to totally give up. He needed to find something in his life that could keep him going and he did. It lead him back here, ten years later to his friends, to the woman he truly loved.  
  
Xander had no idea what he was going to do or what to say to them all. He just needed them right now after so many years he just needed to hold each and every one of his friends, except Spike.  
  
He turns the knob of the door and steps into the room. The door is still slightly ajar and Willow and Tara are both standing there holding hands as a breeze blows in through the open door.  
  
"I guess I'm ready."  
  
  
  
----------------  
  
* Magic Box*  
  
  
  
Buffy was nervous. They had scanned each and every shitty motel in the bad part of the city that Faith refers to as crap central and found nothing as had all the other groups. Amy and Spike tried hard to work together but still came up with nothing and are now arguing about something as they sit across from each other at the table. Giles and Anya had returned not long ago and are now talking about business. The only ones yet to return are Willow and Tara. Buffy's eyes remained fixed on the door as she heard Faith and Dawn talking.  
  
"I tell you, he had a bigger thing than Jason Patrick"  
  
"No way! Keanu Reeves has a way bigger thing than Jason"  
  
Their argument instantly breaks her away from the door and she looks at Faith accusingly.  
  
"Are you saying dirty things to my baby sister again Faith?"  
  
They just smile at her as she finally gets it. They were annoying her to get her attention anywhere but the door. Dawn walks over and stands beside her as she watches the door and squeezes her hand.  
  
"Don't worry sis. Willow and Tara will find him."  
  
As those words are uttered the door opens with a tinkling of a bell. Willow enters, Tara is slightly behind her and they both have big grins on there faces. A figure stands behind them, he steps forward and smiles brightly.  
  
"Hey Gang."  
  
Faith's sudden words summed up what everyone was thinking. "Oh, my Fucking GOD! I just thought Buffy was losing it." 


	9. 8

Dedication: Dedicated to Queen Angel  
  
Disclaimer: I own nada.  
  
Beta-reader: just by me.. hope it isn't too bad:)  
  
Lonely in my Heart  
  
Part 8  
  
1  
  
* Magic Box *  
  
  
  
* Buffy POV *  
  
  
  
  
  
Tear's fell as the light shined upon Xander's face, but this time they were tears of happiness whereas in the past they were tears of disappointment, misery and an overwhelming sadness. Her mind was reeling with so many thoughts, so many questions.  
  
  
  
Why did he leave?   
  
  
  
Where did he go?   
  
  
  
Why didn't he come back to see me  
  
  
  
They were all muddled somewhere within her mind making her head spin as she looks upon Xander, She can't say that much about him as changed, he still has his good looks accompanied by his wonderfully unique goofy smile. But then there are his eyes, they show the biggest change because where once there was an innocence a purity even after all that had happened to him in Sunnydale now lies deep within wisdom and experience. Buffy's feet seem to move of there own accord as she propels herself forward into his arms.  
  
  
  
* Faith POV*  
  
  
  
As Xander stepped into the light Faith had actually gasped, here he stood, she thought for sure that he was dead and had only actually gone to look for him because of Buffy. But then here he stands his still goofy smile greeting them all, welcoming them without even a word. Faith had missed him somewhat but had helped Buffy to deal, she had been released from prison due to good behaviour and had come back to see her sister slayer in shambles. She came back to see her and she looked ill and seemed to never eat, she couldn't fight one vampire in that state let alone what the hell mouth produced. So Faith helped them.. Helped them all like they had once tried to her but she prevailed and actually got them back to a slight normality.  
  
  
  
She had knew that long time ago when she lived in Sunnydale that if anything had of happened to Xander that none of them could cope and she was right, they didn't. They all became acquaintances and each of them fell into there own pit of despair and didn't even try to help the other.  
  
  
  
Where the hell was he? We tried to find him for ages  
  
  
  
Faith had used all the contacts she had acquired over the years to try and track him down yet they all turned up nothing. She had been all over the country with Buffy beating the crap out of demons to try and find him, yet they always turned up nothing.  
  
  
  
He's still hot though  
  
  
  
She noticed he had filled out slightly and his upper body seemed much more muscular than when she last remembered it and accompanied by legs to die for she would have jumped him now if she was her old self. She sees Buffy walk up into his waiting arms that he has open and Buffy sobs into his chest.  
  
  
  
I guess she's happy then  
  
  
  
A small smile graces Faith lips as she looks upon the scene before her.  
  
  
  
  
  
* Spike's POV*  
  
Wow I thought he was dog meat for sure  
  
Spike had changed, for one thing he felt no compulsion to walk up and snap the neck of the boy he used to call droopy. He wasn't the same.. Well not totally, for some strange reason the demon's personality had rubbed off on him by the time he got his body back and he can even swear and everything. It seems also that now he has an affinity for writing poetry whereas at one point he sucked..  
  
Must be the hideous view of my demon's experiences  
  
Spike had gained his soul due to the Scooby gang, after Faith returned his chip had malfunctioned while fighting on patrol and he even had a plan and everything to kill them all, but he didn't count on any of them having a plan. It seemed Willow had already performed a spell on him so that if he hurt another living being his soul would be returned instantly, his demon never should have underestimated that red head.  
  
So bala bing bala boom, we have one William AKA Spike in a vampire's body. The pain of returning was the most hideous experience of his life, all them faces one after the other screaming for him to stop.. Begging, pleading and then there was blood.. So much blood. He curled himself up into a ball in a corner of his crypt and was like that for days on end and then he noticed someone had stayed with him throughout.. Dawn.  
  
She actually cared for him, she brought him blood when he couldn't talk to anyone else and gradually helped him back to fighting form and that's why he was what he was. A good guy, fighting for his redemption like the one Angel had claimed and he would do it for Dawn.  
  
Spike sees Buffy walk up into Xander's arms and he can't help the gentle smile that places itself on his lips, for once he could see a smile on her face accompanied by sobs of happiness.  
  
It has been so long since she has smiled.. She deserves some happiness  
  
* Giles POV *  
  
The long lost son is back Giles muses as he remembers a certain episode of passions.  
  
Giles had come back just two years ago when he felt the need to live with his children once more, having originally left them for there own good he decided to come back for his own good. He hated to admit it but he needed them, there bantering made him smile and their undying loyalty to each other was the strongest he had ever seen.  
  
When Xander had left he knew that it was over, he couldn't help the collapse and it hurt him so, he had to leave before the place took his sanity as well as his happiness. So he did.. It hurt him to do it but he actually left for greener if not more weather sodden pastures. Even Giles had tried to find him using his watcher connections but nothing came back, nothing. But here he stands and he looks very well.  
  
More mature one might say  
  
Giles had noticed the change in the eyes had Buffy had, an intelligence lies within that he can't even attempt to analyse. Them eyes tell more about his life with a simple look than an entire collection of books ever could, they show experience, wisdom, strength and cunningness. They show all the old traits that he would associate with Xander too except for a couple of differences because for one he was much more mature.  
  
Giles smiles as he looks upon Xander and sees Buffy walk into his arms.  
  
Finally.. She's home  
  
* Dawn's POV *  
  
Oh my god.. It's him  
  
The crush she had on him so long ago allowed her to remember every single detail about him right down to his shoe size, Dawn brushes her hair back slightly and her heart races at the sight of him.  
  
Get a hold of yourself girl..  
  
It seemed that the crush had resurfaced in force and made her accidentally look his body over appreciatively.  
  
Oh. He has nice hands.. Oh and that smile.. And that ass.  
  
Dawn can remember all the things he had done for her, all the little hugs to tell her she was loved, all the talks to her she was appreciated. She can also remember one over thing, his undying love for Buffy. Dawn always knew, even when he was going out with Anya she could tell, he held one gaze for Buffy and another gaze for everyone else. It was like they were in this perfect little bubble when there eyes met and no one could break it, god knows she had tried a few times in the past just to get him to see her and her adolescent hormone induced approach to tell him he's hot.  
  
Then Dawn sees Buffy walk into his arms and she smiles.  
  
Back where she belongs  
  
* Anya's POV *  
  
Anya was confused, he was here standing there, but wasn't he supposed to be dead? Did he come back like Buffy?  
  
Anya just hasn't changed, she is more human and not as tactless, she had learnt to be more human when she was on her road trip after Xander had ran away to parts unknown. Met a guy that seemed to treat her right and they were happy for a while and he taught her things, like how to be nice because that is what he was although she knew and he knew they weren't in love and they broke up after a happy few years.  
  
It was just in good fun.  
  
Aren't I supposed to be mad at him for running out on me?  
  
She knows she is but as soon as Buffy walked into his arms she knew it wasn't her place to be mad.  
  
  
  
* Xander's POV *  
  
  
  
Xander had to stare he couldn't help it, she was just so beautiful to him, her looks were dazzling, her hair frames her face perfectly and the light shines off her eyes. Last night was nice but nothing beats seeing Buffy in the day when her beauty can be truly seen in the light where she's supposed to be.  
  
God..  
  
His heart is beating ten to the dozen.  
  
THUMPETY THUMP  
  
THUMPETY THUMP  
  
  
  
His eyes meet hers with a gently gaze and he smiles toward her. Her feet propel her toward him and he opens his arms.  
  
THUMPETY THUMP  
  
THUMPETY THUMP  
  
She sobs into his chest and he rests his chin on her head before leaning down and whispering in her ear.  
  
"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry for leaving you" 


	10. 9

Dedication: Queen Angel  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, I own nothing.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lonely in my heart  
  
PART 10  
  
  
  
By Michael Dunbar  
  
  
  
  
  
The sullen rock walls sweat salt water that drips onto the hard dented surface of the cavern, the floor curves unevenly until it comes to an etched in stairway, leading upwards it circles around a long spire of rock until it comes to the centre at the top of the spire. On the spire stands a tall wooden altar, a beautiful pattern is carved into its surface and circles around the wood that leads up to a golden bowl.  
  
The silence of the huge cavern is scratched by a voice, an uneven gentle voice that gets louder with each second and within a few minutes is a shrill scream echoing off the walls.  
  
A shadow looms behind the altar but it soon disappears as the figure comes fully into the light that shines down onto the bowl.  
  
His face is ridged, his eyes glow a bright red and he screams once and a chorus of followers match it. Looking down he laughs maniacally and raises his arms in the air, pulling them down fast he hushes the crowd of onlookers on the cavern floor.  
  
"Silence" he roars, they obey without question "The time is upon us"  
  
Another roar of screams shakes the cavern as if an earthquake had ripped across the landscape.  
  
"For too long we have been hunted, we have been the prey"  
  
Reaching across to an unknown location he pulls a large book into view, it stretches his arms width and seems brown and rustic as if a thousand cups of coffee had been spilt on the pages, in reality it is blood.  
  
"For too long the slayer has been our punisher"  
  
Pulling the page which he is looking at, it tears from the book which he drops to the floor; it is of no importance anymore.  
  
"Not anymore" He roars then raises the page into full view "This ritual will bring about her destruction and anyone's who decides to front against the vampires, the lord is about to return to earth"  
  
The screams this time are uncountable and he grins in reverence at his followers, the slayer, her friends and anyone that stood in his way and his lord's would regret that they were ever born.  
  
A red robe is laid gently on his shoulders and he reaches for something beneath, pulling a blade into view he grins and cuts his wrist. The blood cascades down the side of his arm and drips into the bowl, as the bowl fills he reads from the page.  
  
"Today is the morning star"  
  
"Duet etuno Lamia"  
  
"Tuam Efor Gemoli"  
  
"Tuam Efor Gemoli"  
  
The light disappears leaving the cavern in complete darkness; the sound of dripping from his wrist can be heard as the followers come to a complete silence.  
  
A fierce wind strikes down and across the crowd and seems to swirl into an everlasting torment, a tornado before it altogether shoots upwards towards the bowl and hovers in the air above. A green mesh of light appears inside the centre of the small tornado and grows exponentially as the vampires stare at it; undeterred by the frightening display he continues to speak the lord's words.  
  
"Dali Canum"  
  
"Dali Canum"  
  
"Tanum Die Dalo"  
  
"Slayer ENO KALI"  
  
"ENO KALI"  
  
The green light sparkles and a frightening bolt of the energy shoots towards the bowl, striking it and the vampire, he holds his arm out despite the pain and grunts as it makes him convulse.  
  
"The lord, our lord"  
  
"Shall Cometh"  
  
A roar erupts from the vampire's lungs as he finishes the last words, dropping to his knees he collapses as the light dissipates.  
  
  
  
Location: Summers Residence  
  
Xander sits bolt upright in bed, he feels the sweat trickle down his forehead and pulls the covers off him in a hurry. Planting his feet firmly onto the floor he stands and walks toward the window.  
  
"Something's not right" He murmurs as he looks outside, the darkness outside seems endless as it droops over the town, blanketing it with its very own evil no doubt.  
  
Xander touches his forehead and wipes the sweat gathered there onto his arm, looking outside he sighs.  
  
"You're losing your mind boy" He can't help but smile at his old mentor's words coming from his very own mouth.  
  
It had been a hard day, he can't deny that. Maybe that's why he feels slightly off, feels that something is wrong.  
  
After the excruciatingly depressing reintroduction to his old friends he had told them nothing of his real journey back to his old town. It wasn't that he didn't think they had a right to know; it's just that he himself can't say precisely what the trouble will be, so there's no need to bother anyone else with his trivial problems.  
  
He had "hanged" with them all day and he can't say it wasn't fun, in fact he can say it was the most fun he's had in ages. So maybe that's why he has decided that he can't stay after whatever happens happens.  
  
It was the little things.  
  
Willow been confident bordering on arrogant in an argument or "Discussion" she and Dawn where having about something technical, he can't say it doesn't suit her but it's not the way he remembers her. This wasn't his Willow, the one he went to for help with all his problems, the one he watched "Charlie Brown's Christmas" with every single year in his room, the Willow that he performed the Snoopy dance for.  
  
Dawn been old, it may seem strange that something beyond her control should upset someone but it's the way Xander felt when he saw her. All grown up and stunning, not his little Dawny anymore, the one he babysat for and watched "saved by the bell" with on many occasions.  
  
Buffy, she's gorgeous and even more stunning than he could ever remember. She looked similar yet even more unattainable.  
  
"It's me" Xander mutters under his breath then turns his back on the window and rests himself there as he stares up at the ceiling "You're just upset that they don't need you"  
  
Arguing with yourself is not something one does especially when your other half is right, he is upset that they seemed to be so strong and so different, that they aged well and evolved into people he can admire.  
  
Because after all he's still the same old Xander, with a little more style.  
  
Xander sighs then pulls himself toward the dresser, pulling on the clothes Buffy had cleaned for him, for some reason, he swipes a can of deodorant out of his bag and sprays it across his chest.  
  
"Maybe it was a bad idea allowing Buffy to let me stay here"  
  
Placing the deodorant back and slipping a few stakes from his bag pockets and into his jacket pockets he walks over to the window and gently releases the clasp on it, sliding one leg out and then the other he drops onto the grass and runs and jumps over the back fence before sprinting in the direction of the graveyard. 


End file.
